WOW, this derailment is nothing, but look how it’s written up. Sorta like asking the Ticket Clerk what runway the train will take off from.
http://www.zwire.com/site/news.cfm?newsid=18913243&BRD=1817&PAG=461&dept_id=68561&rfi=6
This is so typical of a reporter who knows nothing about trains trying to sensationalize a minor incident into a national disaster.
Man, I hate it when our “Traffic lights” get all messed up…now we have to treat it as a four way stop I guess…
Sure wish I knew what “apparatus” they were talking about, so I could keep an eye on any of them things we might have down here…and sure glad the fire inspector has good eyes and can let UP in on how many ties need to be replaced…
Plus, the other cars were “empty also”, so I feel a lot better now.
Hey, when did UP start hauling coal in mill gons?
looks like it was written and edited by 8th graders, so we shouldn’t be too surprised at the lack of technical merit…
Given where the paper is located, perhaps we are lucky it is written in English (as poor as it may be…)
While the author didn’t know the RR insider “lingo” he/she still communicated what happened.
A train derailed. No injuries, no hazardous situation. Big deal. Stop the presses and remake the front page. This happens every day in Chicago and nobody cares.
If you guys think it is so easy to write this story, rewrite it your way and post it here and those of us with a journalism bent will be happy to evaluate your work. Then you can write a deadlined story about a topic of which you know nothing and we’ll see how you do.
Give these newspaper reporters a break. What are they supposed to do, hire a railroad writer to cover a minor derailment once every five years?
Ed, the author does not use “empty also” which despite sounding unusual to many ears would still be grammatically correct.
BTW - kenneo, on this post ridiculing a person’s writing, you need to know “apparatus” is spelled with two “p’s”, also. [(-D]
Chico
I agree with this assessment. Better yet, one of you write up an airplane crash and have it reviewed by airplane fans. Writing on deadline is not as easy as it looks.
The reporter who covers the train accident is also writing about puppies and lightening storms and zoning ordinances and Little League baseball, so, yeah, it is too much to expect any one reporter to know railroad lingo. And if they wrote in railroad lingo, would the average reader be able to figure out what happened any better?
Still and all I DO wish I had saved the article, I think it was in the New York Times, about a railroad accident where the engineer was “unable to steer” the train to avoid the accident. So that’s why the British call them “drivers!”
OT: After 30+ years in business, in my experience the worst and least accurate writing in your newspaper whether local or national is in the business section. If it isn’t spoon fed in a press release you cannot imagine what ends up in print compared to the actual facts.
Dave Nelson
From the Feb, 2007 London Daily Mail
"The train driver, Ian Black, 46, from Scotland, was in a ‘very critical but stable’ condition with chest and neck injuries at the Royal Preston Hospital.
Sir Richard Branson, who flew back from a family holiday in the Swiss Alps to visit the crash scene, sent his condolences to Mrs Masson’s family and described Mr Black as a hero.
He said the driver had done a ‘tremendous job’ staying at the controls in a desperate attempt to steer the train to safety."
And, to a general readership, that might have been a necessary explanation. The engineer was, in fact, unable to steer the train, and that was absolutely true.
Thirty four years ago, I was charged with escorting a young reporter up in the cab; the Superintendent of Motive Power and one of his Forty Assistants was also along for some reason. As the engineer, Bob Inman, got us up to speed, he relaxed; we were rolling along and he was just looking down the track and carrying on some small talk.
The reporter didn’t like that; he watched Bob intently, and was getting more agitated by the second. I couldn’t quite figure out why he was acting so nervous, and especially so after going through a curve and Bob hadn’t touched a thing. Finally, he blurted out to the engineer “HOW ARE YOU STEERING THIS THING???” I mean, he was in a full sweat at that point.
Without missing a beat, Bob nodded toward the Super and his assistant, and said “well, you know, I bet these fellahs are wondering the same thing.”
The reporter simply had no idea how a wheel flange worked; didn’t even really know it was down there.
Connector Apparatus?
you know…the thingy bob between the two big things that hold stuffs and things…[:-^]
Okay, PZ, (and I intend no disrespect to any journalists, I just like a challenge) I’ll give it a shot. [;)]
ELOY - At 8:30 this morning, Eloy and Pinal county first responders were called out to a report of a derailment. Citizens reported a section of rail had fallen on to Frontier Rd as a result of the accident. A coupler on a car hauling caustic soda malfunctioned causing the cars to seperate from the rest of the eastbound train, two empty coal cars at the end of the train derailed and were lying on either side of the tracks, and one had knocked over a signal light.
Several other cars including two cars containing caustic soda and chlorine had not derailed and were not damaged. Firefighters determined there was no danger of a leak from the undamaged chemical cars. Authorities, including officials from the Union Pacific Railroad, were investigating the cause of the accident.&nb
Copy editor markup:
Questions to the hypothetical reporter doing a rewrite:
- Look at the “Frontier Road” remark in the initial report. As I read it, it says nothing about a section of rail falling onto Frontier Road. This adds quite a remarkable element to t
Tim, you forgot to tell us how long it took you to rewrite and was it easy?
Chico
[quote user=“MichaelSol”]
Copy editor markup: further editing (polishing) in blue
ELOY - At 8:30 this morning, Eloy and Pinal County county (CAP PROPER NAME OF COUNTY – ELOY IS THE NAME OF THE TOWN) first responders were called out to a report of a derailment on a portion of the Union Pacific railroad line next to Frontier Road. Citizens reported a section of rail had fallen on to Frontier Rd as a result of the accident. A coupler on a car hauling caustic soda apparently (because it has not been confirmed) malfunctioned causing several the railcars to seperate separate from the rest of the eastbound train. The railcars, mostly empty but including two cars containing caustic soda and chlorine, were undamaged and remained on the tracks. (calls for period and new sentence) however, However, two empty coal cars at the end of the train derailed and were lying on either side of the tracks,; (semi-colon) one had knocked over a railroad (for clarity) signal light.
Several other car, including two cars containing caustic soda and chlorine, had not derailed and were not damaged. Firef
[quote user=“MichaelSol”]
Copy editor markup:
Questions to the reporter:
- Look at the “Frontier Road” remark in the initial report. As I read it, it says nothing about a section of rail falling onto Frontier Road. This adds quite a remarkable element to the original story. (The original artic
Thanks for being so brave to attempt this. You need make no excuses as you weren’t among the “critics” who sparked this discussion.I think the rewrite challenge was directed toward them.
Chico
No it wasn’t easy, and it took several rewrites and edits. I took up PZ’s challenge, because I wanted to see if I could do it, and for no other reason. Judging by the corrections… I need to work on my reporting skills. [;)] But, then, this does prove PZ’s point. Writing a newspaper story isn’t easy. I write alot, and in many cases have gotten praised for my writing skills (A former employer loved my abilty to write, and I was usually called upon to write things for the place I worked. Does that make me a journalist…no, it doesn’t) So, like I said, I wanted to see if I could do it. I take pride in being able to write fairly well. In fact, I have been known to write short stories “off the cuff” for the heck of it, on just about any subject. I like to write, and it’s the way I express myself for the most part.
There is a photograph accompanying the original story.