Has anyone else out there been told by their wives or girlfriends that they spend way too much time with their trains and not enough time with them ?.
I was even told once by a girlfriend a few years ago that if I even so much as mentioned the word train around her anymore that she was going to break up with me. Well, she wasn’t kidding. Oh well. She’s long gone, I’m over it and the trains are still here and going strong… I very much like women, but I like trains and doing what I want to a whole lot more!. [}:)]
Mine says it’s all about balance, spend time on my trains but help around the house feed the wee one etc. She’s right behind me and wants to help with the scenery one day.
I’m trying, but like Spacemouse has said I’m addicted to Trains.com
I’m at an age now ( 41 ) where I don’t “need” women like I used to, I don’t allow them to give me ultamatum. I send them packin. Plenty of fish in the sea.
I have a few friends whose divorces were initiated or expedited by their passion for trains. They are not living very happy lives as I can see, and that’s not the way things are supposed to be.
If you want to live in a secure relationship with your spouse, she will need to know that she is more important to you than your trains, period! On the other hand, she needs to give you some time to enjoy your interests.
When you first start dating, she needs to know up front how you feel about your trains. At the same time you will probably need to back off on the enthusiasm to a level that allows you to balance your time with her against your hobby time. And, you will probably need to maintain this reduced level of enthusiasm your whole life.
Yes, there will be times when you will have to give up that railfan trip, or that convention because you are needed at home, and you will certainly need to give up that brass locomotive or other large hobby purchases because the money is needed at home.
However, there’s a difference between giving up the toys and giving up the interest in the toys. If she expects you to give up your interest in trains, she is not the girl for you. You need to dump her before you make any vows/committments to her. But, if she only expects you to give up some of your toys (and your time) to enjoy a strong relationship, then you need to be a man and make those sacrifices.
If a model railroader is not willing to make some sacrifices like this, the trains will never compensate him for the loss of a loving wife. He will be lonely and miserable all his life.
Mine is humourously tolerant of my time here and with other train-related stuff. She lectures me in a good natured way, sometimes less so to be honest, and I try to be balanced in my approach. Generally, a relationship, if it is valued, is like a garden; it needs time and attention or it is just a patch of chaotic vegetation.
I am learning to spend more time aniticipating what my wife will require of me each day, and I tear myself away and do it…right. I spend some time being attentive, making her a drink or coffee, lunch, doing dishes, painting doors, etc. The rather large garden is also meant to be my responsibility, so I have no choice but to spend 20 or more hours each week in it. Also, next week is the first week of school, and I have 25 distance education students at Royal Military College on-line in my Leadership and Ethics class. Moderating their on-line discussions, providing feedback, and assessing them will take up scads of time.
One good thing about my wife is that she understands my need to think about trains, to play with them, and to commune with you folks. She is even agreeing to take the ferry with me between Victoria and Port Angeles, and to go on to Portland to see the Challenger leave on the 22nd!! Now that is a wife…and we have a solid relationship.
But I have to ‘pay’ into the pot every day…or else!
My wife wanted to ride the Durango-Silverton trip on our honeymoon, but Uncle I.R.S. Sam had other ideas. Still, she is the “president” of the narrow gauge line that acts as a feeder to my standard gauge road. She loves the ol’ timey look of NG, and Bachmann On30 is right up ally.
My point–if there is one–is that including your spouse–and kids–in the hobby somehow, if at all possible, will help tighten the relationship. As Ken said, his wants to help with the scenery in time. Others might like similar “crafty” kinds of model railroading activities. Railfan trips can be combined with other kinds.
This past Sunday, our family held a “First Screw Turning” ceremony as the benchwork started to come together for the first permanent module of our layout. We commemorated it by writing the time, date, and names on the L-girder.
My spouse asked me one question as I unpacked my trains after marriage:
Are these going to take over the HOUSE?
Umm… not really.
Later in the marriage I hear:
These itty trucks are sooo cute! how much did you pay for them? (Athearn RTR)
$20.00
Spouse reacts in a variety of ways not supportive of the hobby requiring various honey do jobs and favors to “Work off” that RTR Athearn Truck.
Finally recently I hear:
I think you have too many trains.
Ebay to the rescue. Converted the proceeds to replace aging and obselete equiptment without touching the family budget for almost a year. Spouse is happy again.
The other day I know that all is well in train land when she allowed me to spend a few bucks at the LHS. =)
I think trains and marriage is a sort of a dynamic balancing. Sort of like the need to apply horsepower or braking as necessary to relieve tension in the house when the subject of trains comes up.
Balance is the key. Remember, toy choo-choos are a HOBBY, and a stable family life is a NECESSITY. Don’t neglect everything else for the hobby, even if it is a primary aspect of your life. I’ve seen too many shut-in, lonely, unhealthy, disfunctional modelers in this hobby, and 92% of them are single.
And don’t forget to include the family in your activities as much as possible. I take my wife on most of my RR archaeology roadtrips, and make sure to stop wherever she wants as well. It doesn’t hurt that she’s a big history buff too; she likes old trains, old houses and old boats as much as me, even though she doesn’t model.
I changed the way I modeled so I could do more of it in the family spaces, rather than secluded in the dungeon. I traded Floquil for Apple Barrel (or airbrush when she’s gone), ACC for Ambroid, and Dremel tools on metal steamers for hand tools on plastic steam. She now orders me down into the dungeon from time to time so I can get a train running fix!
Thank you Javern. Women have always been secondary with me too. I was married once, but was miserable the entire time. Then one day, finally realized that I just wasn’t the marrying/family type guy. So, we divorced and I’ve been happy ever since. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t knock those that are into marriage and having kids, but It’s just not for me. I prefer to have my total freedom to roam around and do what I want without having to answer to anyone except the good lord and bill collectors…
I was happily married for 22 years before losing my wife in a car accident…I been on my own for the last 13 years and thats the way I will remain…I did have a girlfriend but,we ended up in splitsville…No big deal…I prefer to be foot loose and fancy free…You see by doing that I need not answer to anybody except self and God…
Whoops, we thought you were looking for suggestions on finding and keeping a soulmate, not looking for justification to go without one. If I’d known that I wouldn’t have bothered responding the first time.
I started with my first train at age 9, a Christmas gift. Then at age 16 it was a car, college, the Army, wife, 4 kids, Little league, basketball, boy scouts, girl scouts, marriages of children, assisting building their homes, etc., my own job in semiconductors for 43 years, AND NOW…at age 66, I am free to get back to a love that always was with me…model RR and Amateur radio.
As Ray stated, and a few others, the key IS balance guys, and FAMILY comes first, have no doubt about it. I have been happily married for 45 years. My wife supports my hobby as I do her hobbies…that is the key. Some people are so “self centered” that they not only screw up their own lives, but all those around them, such as their own children, and for WHAT…personal selfishness? Learn from those who have been successful, just like we learn from our talented MRR experts…loners seldom survive or succeed. Married men live longer.
November 3d 1992 at 5:30pm my girlfriend (Dana) of five years was killed in a car accident. She was about the only one I’d ever known that would have allowed me to do pretty much anything I wanted to, and she loved trains too…
you’ve hit the nail on the head. When my wife and I first started dating, we were up front about our hobbies. I told her I like trains and model trains, and she said she likes Star Trek and other Sci Fi stuff (personally I prefer S
Tracklayer, I hope that one day you find another person to share your life, and hopefully your MRR hobby. My wife loves trains, and we go on excursions every chance we get. This has proven to be a good thing because now she understands a lot of the termonology, and has an interest in the hobby.
Some people have used the online dating services, where you can get meet a woman who shares your same loves in life…you can’t believe how happy you can be when can share your hobby with someone who loves it as much as you do.
I wi***he very best for you Tracklayer.[:D]