MEMO FROM SANTA
I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be able to service the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to overwhelming current population of the earth, I I now serve only the northern United States… However, I’m certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my brother in law,. Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:
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There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: “Gun Control is a Steady Hand.”
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Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave a RC Cola and peanut patty (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
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Bubba Claus’ sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin’ coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.
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You won’t hear “On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen…” when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you’ll hear, “On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and LaBonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliot and Petty.”
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“Ho, ho, ho!” has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves reply, “I her’d dat!”
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Bubba’s sleigh also has a bumper sticker that reads “My Other Car is a John Deere” .
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The interior of Bubba’s sleigh is the envy of the south. It boasts the latest in 8 track technology, a top o’ the line fuzzbuster, an oversized chrome foot shaped gas pedal, fully carpeted dash, and Yosemite Sam floormats.
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Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make sure you, the wife, and the kids tu