Rosebud Falls Gazette: Piccolo Pete Plummets from Precarious Perch

Garden Railroading
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Rosebud Falls Gazette
Charter Member of the Garden Railways Associated Press Enterprises
Published by Acme Enterprises

Disaster Averted on Falls
Piccolo Pete Plummets from Precarious Perch
Rosebud Falls (16 Feb. 1906) On The GRAPEvine today:


Legendary local fisherman Piccolo Pete fell over sixty feet down the Falls in a near disaster today while fishing on the upper Falls of Rosebud Falls. Mr. Pete was quoted as saying “I guess I was fishing a little to close to the escarpment of the upper most fall and lost my footing in the swift current.”

Mr. Standz and son were fishing on the north side of the upper fall when they saw Mr. Pete slip and fall in the swift moving water. After seeing Mr. Pete swept over the fall, Mr. Standz made a quick da***o the ranger station where a rescue team was quickly dispatched. Armound Hammar, the chief ranger at the falls, led his team to the scene of the accident. Fearing the worst of all possible outcomes they proceeded to search the middle fall to no avail. As the rescue team started their descent to the lower fall they saw Mr. Pete. Mr. Hammar said “As we worked our way down to the lower falls, we saw what my team and I consider to be a miracle. There to our amazement was Mr. Pete, disheveled as he was, still fishing.” A quick medical examination on scene showed that Mr. Pete had suffered only light bruising and minor scratches. Mr. Pete said that he had to keep fishing otherwise he would sustain even worse injuries inflicted by his wife if he did not bring back enough fish for his wife’s restaura

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To the Editor
Rosebud Falls Gazette:

Sir:

The agents of the Security and Contract Enforcement Division of the Dixie D Short Line Railroad, Virginia Beach, VA would like to formally apologize to Mr. Piccolo Pete of Rosebud Falls. Mr. Pete was mistakenly identified as a certain notorious outlaw known as “Captain Carrales”, which the Enforcement agents have been seeking for some time. During interrogation by the Dixie D operatives, Mr. Pete made a full confession to a number of miscreant behaviors and mistakenly gave his name as “Captain Carrales” before having a “little accident” with the ledge.

It is our sincerest hopes that Mr. Pete will soon recover from most of his non-fall related injuries and accept our assurances that he need not worry about sleeping with his goldfish any time soon.

Your humble servant,

Tangerine-Jack
Owner/ Operator
Megalomaniac
Dixie-D SL

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Good story!

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Somewhere in here I detect a connection with Occidental Petroleum, wonder why?

The late Armand Hammer, Chairman!

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CITIZENS PROTEST STRONGARM TACTICS!

Management of the Dixie D. shortline railroad have been innundated with protests by local citizenry who are demanding to know why Dixie D. has brought in those Goon Squads who used to work on the NY & NJ waterfronts to provide security for the railroad!

Mr. Smokey Fire Hobo is complaining that these people have no compassion and no regard for individual rights, while John P. Railfan is incensed at the rough handling he recieved when standing off the railroad’s right of way taking pictures of the trains. Mr. Piccolo Pete tells of being thrown over the Rosebud Falls simply because he was percieved to be poaching the railroad’s fish!

The infamous railroad baron “Tangerine Jack” countered the protests with a thinly veiled threat to resort to medium range munitions to enforce the railroad’s absolute soverignity over it’s right of way, by blowing trespassers to oblivion!

Local law enforcement is bracing for mass protests which are sure to follow!

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To Captain Bob Johnson, retired:

Sir,

What can I say; I had to hire them- Teamster’s Union. I can, however, assure you that these professionals work with the highest consideration to the International Red Cross guidelines for Human Rights and went through extensive background checks before hiring, in other words they showed me union cards. Furthermore the bit about the dynamite was grossly over exaggerated by irresponsible Enews reporters and beside, that building was condemned anyway.

Protecting one’s business interest is a right not to be taken lightly. Did anyone even consider the fact that John P. Railfan was breaking the law by trespassing on private property when he was escorted off the right of way? I’m sure the alleged “rough handling” Mr. Railfan perceived was miniscule compared to the damage he would have received if he were to have been hit by a train while engaging in his unsafe acts. Those “Goon Squads” as you have so described them, probably saved Mr. Railfan’s life and should be thanked for the quick and decisive action in protecting the public. The incident with Mr. Piccolo Pete was fully explained earlier, and is considered a closed matter, if it opens again we cannot be held responsible for what happens to any party involved.

In regard to any protests, the Dixie D SL is a staunch supporter of the First Amendment rights of every American to display their unemployed status by having the time to protest something. The rest of us will be productively engaged in making a living by our own hard work and will have to see the protest on the evening news.

Best Regards,

Tangerine-Jack
Owner/ Operator
Megalomaniac
Dixie-D SL

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my train foreman said to me he has to put on his hipboots, thing are getting a little deep around the train station here and it’s not snow, he said the cattle cars we are halling are starting to over flow. ben

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DIXIE D SLRR MANAGEMENT STONEWALLING CAUSES MASS PROTESTS
Local companies distancing themselves from railroad.

“Local law enforcement was hard pressed to maintain peace.” said Chief Michelle about the protesting masses preparing to storm the Dixie D SLRR offices yesterday.

T. Sharp Splinter of Splinter Lumber Co. said that his firm has suspended having products delivered to them by rail because they want Dixie D to feel the damage in its pockets, and “Tangerine Jack’s” hoodlums even prevented Splinter Lumber employees from unloading a railcar while saying that that was a union job!

Harvey Milk of Milk’s Dairy says he’ll not provide any more revenue to the railroad and has purchased a fleet of long haul trucks with tank and reefer trailers to fill his transportation needs. We understand that some of Mr. Jack’s security people have applied for driving jobs.

Cement Shoes Redi Mix Concrete Co. has announced that in support of those protesting the railroad’s roughshod manner, it will now begin utilizing an all water route to get it’s materials.

Mr. Hy X. Test averred that his fuel supply firm abhors the treatment those nasty folk devolved upon innocent bystanders, therefore they will be handling product receipt by barge and tankership!

Hugh G. Moneybags, President of the local bank and a silent (?) partner in the Dixie D notes that these losses of revenue generating traffic could be very harmful to the wellbeing of the service, and is beginning to wonder if he should sell his share of the railroad!

The Gazette’s roving reporter interviewed Miss Laura who said “That big boy in the blue plaid shirt is kinda cute, can you introduce us?”

Mr. Jack said “Keep that girl away from my employees!!!”

Word on the street has it that there will be more protests and demonstrations, so keep reading the Gazette for the latest information.

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.LATEST OFF THE WIRE!!!

FLASH!

Captain Bob Johnson, retired, narrowly escapes mysterious fire that ravaged his home. Capt Johnson was just returning from the doctor after having his Apathy adjusted to see his home engulfed in flames. Local residents were strangely unwilling to speak to fire investigators or local police about the incident, or give any information about the unmarked black sedan seen in the area just prior to the incident.

The fire is believed to have been started by products manufactured by Mr. Hy X. Test, a local fuel oil distributor. Investigators have discovered a link between Capt Johnson and Mr. Test involving a common insurance carrier. Arson is suspect, and Mr. Test is being held at the Sussex correction center for further questioning. Capt. Johnson’s home was found to have been built with lumber from Splinter Lumber Co, a local lumber yard owned by T. Sharp Lumber, itself being investigated for adding chemicals to the lumber to make it more flammable.

Cement Shoes Redi Mix Concrete Co, owned by the Dixie D Short Line Railroad of Virginia Beach, VA has graciously offered to donate concrete and cement products to the rebuilding of Capt. Johnson’s home. Mr. Aggri Gate of Cement Shoes Redi Mix Concrete Co has denied any rumors that it has stopped doing business with the Dixie D SL in light of recent irresponsible press to the contrary. “Nonsense!” Mr. Gate is quoted as saying.

Tangerine-Jack, the dashing and flamboyant entrepreneur of the Dixie D SL, dismissed any notion of financial harm being done to the railroad due to recent protest. “Nonsense!” Mr. Jack is quoted as saying. “Pay your insurance up and these things won’t happen” was all Mr. Jack had to comment on about the recent fire at Capt. Johnson’s.

OFF THE WIRE>>>>>>&g

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hehe Sounds like you’re poking fun at “Arm & Hammer.” The company was started by a man named Armond Hammer, and he named the company for a common mispronounciation of his name. He’s said to have had a sense of humor.

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Don’t know if the old boy was in the Soda Powder business, but he was the big mahaf in Occidental Petroleum. Even had ships that took grain over to Russian Black Sea ports and brought Russian crude oil back! Had a couple of those big integrated tug-barges in that trade also, lost a tug in bad weather with all hands, but the barge was found and later sold and converted into some other sort of barge. He got a bunch of government awards for helping to open up the Russian Market for US products! Smart enough fella to make a ton of money, so he was smarter than I’ll ever be; thus nobody to poke fun at!

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RAILROAD SECURITY PROTESTS GETTING UGLY
Mr. Jack purchases every freezer in stores!

Despite the very heated air pronouncements of Mr. Tangerine Jack of the Dixie D SLRR, it is known fact that he is carrying fewer revenue cargos these days.

Last evening Float-by-night Towing Company’s oar and sail assisted tug “El Cheepo” was seen berthing a stone barge that had “Cement Shoes Concrete” painted on its side at the harborside property occupied by Cement Shoes Redi Mix Concrete Co., thus showing that Mr. Aggri Gate’s word is worthless on either side of the argument!

Late yesterday afternoon Mr. Jack was driving around town in a dung splattered truck purchasing every freezer that he could find, We suspect that Mr. Harvey Milk will never get dem cows back and shortly Mr. Mort U Ary will be providing services as the widow Milk carries on the dairy business. We Understand that at a “nominal” fee, Mr. Jack will provide the widow with the fixin’s for a Beef and Dumpling dinner after the burial!

The newswires have provided information that the N&M RR in Southern Texas and the Roundtuit & Faraway on the Delmarva Peninsula have recinded interchange agreements with the Dixie D. Management of the R&F have gone so far as to remove the interchange trackage & turnout, and applied to regulators to abandon ten feet of ROW at its border with Dixie D trackage! “This has got to be hurtin’ them in the pocket!” said the Capt. He continued “Jack has got to come to his senses and stop these strongarm tactics before he goes broke and gets shipped off overseas.”

The Capt. also states that his home was not destroyed by fire, it was one down the street; and he’s smarter than to buy lumber from a firm located some 144 miles away when he can get it much cheaper at a lumberyard near him which has already paid his exhorbatant prices to bring in lumber and besides, Mr. Splinter does not contribute to the earnings of the Roundtuit& Faraway!

The Flying

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Hi guys
Better sort it out
I hear rumours of cavalry heading that way to restore calm and they are not happy about being asked to leave their nice comfortable fort with warm beds.
And since they wear blue are not likely to be well recieved by the locals if they start waving them big knives about
regards John

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IS GOVERNMENT INTERVENING IN SECURITY SQUABBLE?
T. Jack obstinate in refusal to modify practice.

It is reported that a number of persons inclunding Picillo Pete, Mr. John P. Railfan, Hy Test, T. Sharp Splinter, and Hugh G Moneybags have filed a class action suit against the Dixie D. SLRR, Mr. Tangerine Jack, Mr. Vinny Neanderthal (Head of DDSLRR Security), and anybody else in sight that is connected with the railroad, seeking compensatory and punitive damages due to injury by the Security force of the Dixie D.

Mr. Moneybags was infuriated when a brick wrapped in a threatening letter was thrown through the bank’s huge Plate Glass Window. He said “Heck, I own a good piece of the railroad and they are even targeting me!”

Mr. Pete reiterates that he was not poaching the railroad’s fish and the proof of the pudding is in the empty creel in his possession at the time of the incident, even though the hook on the end of his line may have been baited and in the water!

John P Railfan refutes the adversion that he was trespassing on railroad property to take those photos when he was plainly seen by many to be in the belfry of the Church located 500 feet from the fence around the railyard and using a telephoto lens on his camera!

Word has it that after the court dismisses the murder charges against Mrs. Milk she is going to marry her High School Sweetheart, Mr. Jack!

Upon his release from the Sussex Correctional Facility Mr. Hy Test made a public statement that “That demented Jack framed me, so I’m cutting off sales of fuel to the Dixie D; and I’ll do my best to have him blackballed in my industry!”

Intervention by the U.S. Cavalry would indeed be an unwise move on the part of the government due to Mr. Jack’s over 20 years of service in the Army. This media outlet feels that the Troopers could not be evenhanded in this situation, see upcoming editorial on the subject!

At a meeting of the Railroad Operator’s Soci

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FLASH>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

The Dixie D SL, Virginia Beach, VA announces the buyout of the Roundtuit and Faraway RR of Georgetown, DE. Mr. Tangerine-Jack, owner of the Dixie D, had this to say about the purchase: "We normally don’t involve ourselves in such trifling small operations such as the Roundtuit and Faraway, but in this case I feel we can recover our cost in the scrap metal value of the equipment, and sell the prime real-estate to overseas developers”. Work crews are expected to start dismantling the railroad immediately. Captain Bob Johnson, former owner of the RT&F, was unavailable for comment, but is believed to have taken the money and moved to Jamaica. Capt. Johnson was quoted last year in the Two Trees Times as having said “The RT&F never made me a d$%#n dime! I’d sell that run down junk heap it the first chance I get”.

It was also announced that the Splinter Lumber Co. and Milk’s Dairy farm would be included in the final bid. Rumor has it that the current owners of said establishments would be kept on as senior business managers for day to day operations.

In other news, Mr. Hy X. Test, local fuel oil distributor for the Delmarva Peninsula passed away last night from “natural causes”. “Poor old dear’s heart just gave out” quoted Ms. Tighti White, head nurse of St. Smithen’s Medical Facility of Dover. Funeral will be held on Friday at one o’clock and followed by a beef BBQ dinner sponsored by the Dixie D Railroad. Expected to attend are such digintaries as the Emperor of the Eastern Shore, Vinny “Da Kneecap” Testosterone, Mr. Piccolo Pete, and some guy named Eddie.

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From the privately owned resort on the island of Jamaica which is a subsidiary of the Roundtuit & Faraway, Capt Johnson passes along a message to Mr. Tangerine Jack, immediate past owner of the Dixie D.

“Read the very fine print at the bottom of the page, right by your signature, you turkey!” Yes, the Dixie D bought out the RT&F, but the currency you used to do that was 99.99% of your stock. Now by the time you pay off Hugh G. Moneybags for the shares you sold off without his permission and a bonus to keep him from sending you to the hoosegow, You Broke Boy!

Just in case you don’t understand what that means I’ll say it in plain easy to understand Redneck! “Youall is fard! Git yo carcass offen my railroad fore I sics the dawgs on yer!” You lost the war and now you lost yer railroad!

I might also caution you to watch your behind because that Ugly Mrs. Milk whom you knew as Shelly-Sue back in grade school has announced that she’s a gonna marry up wit you now that Harvey’s outta the way!

Nuff Said?

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Ay yai yai!!! The BS is too deep in here, you win Bob- I’m coming up for air now[#wstupid][(-D][(-D][(-D]

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Rosebud Falls Gazette
Charter Member of the Garden Railways Associated Press Enterprises
Published by Acme Enterprises

Piccolo Pete Perch Palace Perishes in Phenomenal Blaze
Rosebud Falls (20 Feb. 1906)
On The GRAPEvine today:


Mrs. Piana Pete, Chef and Chief of Piccolo Pete’s Perch Palace pleaded with Mr. Tangerine Jack, owner of the Dixie D. RR to spare her husbands life as her restaurant fell to earth in a pile of embers. She claimed that her husband was only fishing in public waters when he was so violently attacked by the hooligans from the DDRR.
Fire Chief Orange-Jack (a distant blood relative to the above mentioned RR Mogul) stated in a hastily called press release that the fire was a result of embers floating over fifty feet from the Perch Palace’s remote cook house to the eatin’ house. Chief Jack said that further investigation would be required before issuing any citation for an unregistered burn.
Col. Peter P. Pete, Commander of the Colorado 5th Cavalry, stationed in Colorado Springs, said he had asked for authority from the US President to put down this Railroad War. “This Railroad war has cost hundreds of thousands in lost revenue and interstate shipping taxes.” As of press time the President had not yet answered the request to put down the unlawful railroad activities.

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[}:)][}:)][}:)][}:)][}:)]
Aw shuck, T-J quit, just when it was getting to be fun
[(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D]

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FLASH>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Late breaking news:

The world is stunned tonight as Captain Bob Johnson AKA “The Fat Man” was taken into custody at Rome International Airport today along with Tom “Ttrigg” Trigg in an FBI and Interpol sting operation while attempting to smuggle Chinese made LGB knock-offs into Europe. The crime ring is centered on an international smuggling operation carried out by Capt Bob and financed by money laundered by the mob front newspaper “Rosebud Falls Gazette”.

Investigators have been tracking the two criminals for several months while amassing huge amounts of incriminating evidence. “These two psychopaths laundered money through the newspaper to finance the tug boat smuggling of cheap Chinese toy trains into Europe and the Antipodes. They have caused untold suffering to countless children by the poor quality junk passed off as first class German engineering. Their heartless actions have even caused a gentleman in Australia to experience problems with LGB” Quoted a government source who did not want to be named because he is not authorized to speak to the press.


Captain Bob Johnson aka: “The Fat Man” being taken into custody at the airport after a brief struggle


Tom “Ttrigg” Trigg captured after a running squirt gun battle with Italian Special Police. “I’d have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for those meddling kids” was all Trigg had to say.

Both are being held at an undisclosed super secret CIA facility at 125 W. Peacock Rd, Dakopolis, Cyprus, Tel 01-566-433, room 4A while awaiting an international crime tribunal to be formed. Bai