The new and (not very) improved humor thread

Trains Magazine General Discussion
21

A man was at his local store buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for his pet. In the checkout line, with the bag under his arm, a woman behind him asked if he had a dog.

Wanting to have a little fun he puts her on. On an impulse he told her that no, he didn’t have a dog, but was starting the Purina Diet again. He added that he probably shouldn’t, because the last time he was on it he ended up in the hospital, but not before he lost 60 pounds & later awoke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of his orifices and IVs in both arms.

He told her it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and he was going to try it again. By this point practically everyone in line was now caught up in his tale.

Horrified, she asked if he ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned him.&nb

22

COLD IS A RELATIVE THING. . . . . . .
65 above zero:
Floridians turn on the heat.
People in Wisconsin plant gardens.

60 above zero:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Wisconsin sunbathe.

50 above zero:
Italian & English cars won’t start.
People in Wisconsin drive with the windows down.

40 above zero:
Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in Wisconsin throw on a flannel shirt.

35 above zero:
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Wisconsin have the last cookout before it gets cold.

20 above Zero
People in Miami all die.
Wisconsinites close the windows.

Zero:
Californians fly away to Mexico .
People in Wisconsin get out their winter coats.

10 below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Wisconsin are selling cookies door to door.

20 below zero:
Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in Wisconsin let the dogs sleep indoors.

30 below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Wisconsinites get upset because they can’t start the Snow-mobile.

40 below zero:
ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Wisconsin start saying…‘Cold enough for you?’

50 below zero:
Hell freezes over.
Wisconsin public schools will open 2 hours late

23

So the Pope died and arrived at the Pearly Gates after hours. No one was around except a sleeping security guard. He woke up the guard, told him that he was the Pope here to check in and then asked where St Peter was. The guard told him they were expecting him, but it was after hours. He then told him to grab his bags and follow him to temporary quarters for the night. The Pope followed, a little taken back that the guard didn’t offer to carry his bags for him and that although it was after hours no one was there to meet him…he was the Pope after all.

They arrived at the temporary quarters which were spartan. The guard told the Pope to come back first thing in the morning, and he’d get him in at the front of the line. So the Pope sat on the bed for a few minutes until he heard some loud music and commotion. He followed the noise down to the lounge and there seemed to be a party going on. A bunch of people where there…St Pete and alot of the heavies as well as quite a few hottie girl angels…and all attention was focused on this one guy in a pilot suit telling a story. There was alot of laughing and carrying on. The Pope goes to the bar and the bartender asks what he’ll have. The pope thinks a second and asks the bartender for a glass of wine. When the bartender come back with his drink the Pope asks…“I’m a little confused. I’ve spent my whole life dedicated to the church. I don’t want to sound overly proud or conceited, but I thought I was kind of important. But I get here and all the attention seems to be focused on that guy. What gives?”

The bartender, wipes down the bar and leans over, " You are special, your holiness. On any other day it would be different. But really we get priests, cardinals and popes here all the time. This is the first tim

24

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.’

MALE PROCEDURE:

  1. Drive up to the cash machine.
  2. Put down your car window.
  3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
  4. Enter amount of cash required and
    Withdraw.
  5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
  6. Put window up.
  7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

  1. Drive up to cash machine.
  2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
  3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
    4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
  4. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
  5. Attempt to insert card into machine.
  6. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
    8… Insert card.
    9 Re-insert card the right way.
  7. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
  8. Enter PIN.
  9. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
  10. Enter amount of cash required.
  11. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
  12. Retrieve cash and receipt.
  13. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
  14. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
  15. Re-check makeup.
  16. Drive forward 2 feet.
  17. Reverse back to cash machine.
  18. Retrieve card.
  19. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
  20. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting be
25

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ‘tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.”

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye, ‘tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin’ victim to temptation as well.”

Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, “What a terrible pity…one of the girls must be dyin’.”

26
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be the best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.
27

There were these two men at home talking. The first man asked, “Have you heard the latest about the new CSX Engine coming out?” The second man replies, “No”. Then the first man says, “Well it’s not out yet”.

28

EG Murphy

PRICELESS

29

A small child and his mother walked into the doctors office. The small child was playing with a wet sticky pice of balogna. The doctor comes out and says to the small child, “why don’t you make a doctor with that pice of balognia?” The child blandly replies “I don’t have that mutch balognia…”

30

Pat says the cable uses all its power for good.

31

A sign of the economy?!!

A Husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up
a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.
‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,’ he replies.
‘Put them back, we can’t afford them,’ demands the wife, and so
they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and
puts it in the basket.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband.
‘Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,’ replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the
price.’

On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down.

32

There was a passenger engineer who was very good at stopping his train at the same spot in each station, and the station agents could tell the waiting passengers where to stand so that they did not have move down the train before boarding. One day as he came into one of the stations, he overran the station before he stopped. The conductor, who was already standing in the rear vestibule, gave him three shorts on the communication line, blew the proper signal for the street crossing that was right beside the station as they backed, and then stopped the train, using the valve on the monkey tail. The engineer got down, walked back to the station, and asked the agent, “Who cut my sunflower down?”

Johnny

33

Actually, there is quite a bit of truth to the above; you would be amazed at the obscure things we sometimes use for spotting marks. We try to use things that do not change with the seasons (hard to see the sunflower when it’s covered by three feet of snow).

And of course the marks change depending on how many coaches are in the train, how many coaches are deadheading, how many units you have, which style of unit you are in, etc.

34

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking. Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. The responses show some of the Canadian sarcastic humor!!

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?
( from England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATM’s (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton, and Halifax? (England)
A: What, did your last slave die off?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe Ca-na-da is that big country to your North. Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (England)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is… Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in

35

Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Abe turns to Sol and asks, “Do you think there’s baseball in Heaven?”

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I dunno. But let’s make a deal – if I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.”

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, “Sol… Sol…”

Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?”

“Yes it is, Sol,” whispers Abe’s ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, “So, is there baseball in Heaven?”

“Well,” says Abe, “I’ve got good news and bad news.”

“Gimme the good news first,” says Sol.

Abe says, “Well, there is baseball in Heaven.”

Sol says, “That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?”

Abe sighs and whispers, “You’re pitching on Friday.”

There once was a rich man who was near death.

He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.” The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gather

36

> THE LOVE DRESS
>
> A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son’s house.
>
> She knocked on the door then immediately
> walked in. She was shocked to see her
> daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
>
> Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
> perfume filled the room.
>
> ‘What are you doing?’ she asked.
>
> ‘I’m waiting for Justin to come home from
> work.’ The daughter-in-law answered.
>
> ’ But you’re naked!’ the mother-in-law exclaimed.
>
> ‘This is my love dress,’ the daughter-in-law explained.
>
> ‘Love dress? But you’re naked!’
>
> ‘Justin loves me to wear this dress,’ she explained.
>
> ‘Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.’
>
> The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
>
> Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
>
> ’ What are you doing?’ he asked.
>
> ‘This is my love dress,’ she whispered, sensually.
>
> ‘Needs ironing,’ he said, ‘What’s for dinner?’
37

Why does the Navy carry Marines around with them?

Because Sheep would be too obvious.

Kurt

38

As folks get older, they begin to take more naps and take up
bird watching ---- kinda like turning into cats.

39

[tup] [(-D]

For those of you who like wildlife - here’s a link to a short and funny video from the USGS Northern Divide Grizzly Bear Project, taken by a “critter cam” = controlled by motion detecting sensor. My daughter forwarded it to me as she received it under the intriguing (but misleading) caption of “poledancer”. This bear is better than most people - don’t worry, it’s not offensive in any way. The version she sent to me had a disco music track, but I don’t know how to post a link to that one here (yet). Anyway, enjoy !

http://www.nrmsc.usgs.gov/research/video/Kendall_RTgrizrub2006

Video: Grizzly bear at rub tree

Video Description: Grizzly bear vigorously rubbing on a tree regularly used by other bears in Glacier National Park.

USGS Northern Divide Bear Project

Remote video by J.Stetz / A.Macleod. August 12, 2006.

Length: 33 seconds, File Size: 589 KB. Clip: RB03v

If you roam around this site - http://www.nrmsc.usgs.gov/research/KendallRemoteCamera.htm - there seem to be several other videos of like kind - including a bear taking a swipe at the camera, and even one of the elusive wolverine walking past a “bear hair trap” ! at: http://www.nrmsc.usgs.gov/research/video/Kendall_HT2005wolverine

  • Paul North.
40

But Minnesota public schools will still start on time!!!