A Family situation's effect upon the railroad, and what it all means........

Model Railroader General Discussion (Model Railroader)
1

Hi!

Please allow me tell you all about a family situation that could very likely seriously affect my layout, and my future MR endeavors.

I’ve had an 11x15 (3 level) HO layout set up since the early '90s, and to be honest, its pretty nice. But, over the last few years I realized that it could be better - by getting ride of the upper level, the space greedy reverse loop, and perhaps wiring for DCC. I am certainly not satisfied with those aspects of the layout, but it is nicely constructed, with sound track and wiring, and some very decent scenery in many places. In any case, the idea of tearing it down and starting over is a very difficult decision for me, and I have obviously continued on with what I have.

Well, to make a long and difficult story short, my 31 year old step-daughter is currently married to an older man whose “fortune” has gone terribly sour (due to his stupidity and gambling, etc.), and it is very possible that she will leave him (and lose all she has) and will be moving in with my wife and I sometime later this year. We are there for her, and of course that is what “family” is all about.

Anyway, it looks like if that happens (and she will be with us for any length of time), then we will need the RR room for her stuff, etc., etc.

Strangely enough, I am really not upset by this, for it forces me to tear down the layout, and when she has moved on, I will be able to build that “final” layout that will best fit my dreams.

Soooo, while her moving in is certainly not a “sure thing”, I am mentally prepared to do what I have to do, and will keep you all posted (and ask for your advice) as I go through the tear down, and subsequent design & construction of the new railroad.

Thanks for listening!

Mobilman44

2

I believe that MR’ing is a Journey. If I needed to strip that room the Kato track goes into one box, the DCC another and the trains already have thier own boxes. One can always get back into it.

Im not sorry that this man is in difficulty if he brought it upon himself via gambling. That was stupid and frankly not necessary. So I have no pity for him. Before anyone picks on me; understand I live in a no-casino state and it will always be that way in my home.

Your position of being able to assist your daughter tells me that she has never lost “Everything” At the end of the day all we have left is family and loved friends. Everything else we cannot take with us.

Use the time to get ready to plan a new railroad someday better using what you learned with the current one.

Good luck and best wishes for you and daughter.

3

I hope my comments are considered constructive and not heartless. A person in their 30’s is an adult. Have you examined if you are being supportive or if you are enabling a person who has made and continues to make bad decisions. Tough love situations are not called tough for no reason. Her stuff could be put in storage outside your home. I am not trying to be judgemental about the situation. I have already decided if my son would come home at 37 he is going to have to fit into my lifestyle not the other way around. If he didn’t like it he could live somewhere else. I have a neighbor who I would do anything for and have since he had a stroke. His lazy 50+ son has become divorced and does nothing to help. He won’t even cut the grass. I decided if he can’t get off his lazy a## to help his parents why should I take time I don’t have to cut their grass and shovel their walk and drive in the winter and we are talking about over an acre and a 150’ driveway in addition to mine that size. I never got a thank you or offer to pay for gas so I decided it was time to say you are on your own. It was hard to do but now he finally makes a half hearted attempt at it. I was enabling bad behavior. Just some thoughts to consider in your decision making process.

4

If worse comes to worse, just sell the layout of you don’t want to see it dismantled too badly. I agree that as an adult, that children use the parental fallback plan too much and you already spent your life raising them and to have to do it again? Not my idea of the emty nesting years.

5

I guess you might be able to hire someone else to tear down the layout. Hey, just keep looking forward to the new layout.

6

I hope this setback for your daughter is only temporary, and she simply needs some time and space to re-group. This is a tough time for her, but she’s got some past to leave behind now. It’s good that you can offer her a temporary refuge while she gets her life and finances back in order.

You can build another layout, but you’ll probably never have another daughter.

7

Been there, done that with a son, after his divorce from a beautiful (I will give her that!) drunken predator who drained his bank account, sold off his assets and then departed his life (presumably to repeat the performance with some other sucker - my son was not the first.) He ended up sharing a bedroom with my along two walls layout.

Model railroading is a hobby. Family is family. Offer support when it is needed, but do what is necessary to get your adult offspring airborne and self-sufficient.

About a year after his divorce, my son had patched up his credit rating enough to be able to buy a fixer-upper in another city. Since then, we visit each other when we can.

Chuck (modeling Central Japan in September, 1964)

8

There are, of course, two parts to this story. There’s the model railroad. There’s a familiy member who needs you.

Ideally, the son in law would simply change his ways and bygones become bygones. Without that, of course, daughter comes home and you accomodate her immediate needs. Then she can recover from the heartaches and get on a road to being self sufficient and on her own.

Looks like eventually everything would work out. You say you would like to rebuild the layout, and you can build the new one after daughters life is on the mend and she’s back on her own. You may tell her those are your intentions, and she should understand.

I doubt she is losing everything because she has a supportive and understanding stepdad.

As for rebuilding layouts, I have moved several times, and ripped up too many layouts. Now, I am using sectional construction because the layout could be moved if I had to do so. You may wish to consider sectional construction for the next layout, yourself. You just don’t know what events could take place in the future that would cause another move of the layout.

9

Hi again,

Thanks all for the kind words! And may I add to my original posting.

Step daughter is a wonderful person, who got suckered into a marriage with an older “wealthy” man. He was looking for a “trophy wife”, and she was looking for security. To give you an idea of the scope of the problem, the husbands “nut” is over $12k / month!!

Step daughter has done her best to get him to square things away, but there is no doubt it is his show. She is definitely not money hungry or helpless or lazy - but never the less got attached to this man. In short, she messed up (and realizes it), and if she joins us she will either finish school or get back into the workforce. Oh, one other thing, we volunteered to take her in, she did not ask and may or may not actually do so if the divorce comes to pass.

Like I said, I have wrestled with starting over on the layout for the last couple of years, and this would give me the oomph to get that process started. Of course I have taken down layouts before (1 Lionel, 2 Ho, 1 N), and have no serious problems in undoing this one.

While this layout is rather large and complicated, all the benchwork is attached with screws, and most everything but the scenery is salvageable. Actually, I’ve got a number of retaining walls and bridge abutments that will survive as well.

Being 64, I realize that “the next layout” could easily be my last chance to "do it all right, so in the regard I am actually looking forward to it…

Hey, I’ll keep you all posted!!!

Mobilman44

10

A decent lawyer will have her in much better shape than she thinks she’s in if they really do split the sheets. He will have to bear the responsibility for their financial mess, and she will get at least half of all his assets, such as they are. For example, if the home is still an asset, she may get that outright. He should be left with the debt, particularly if the nature of the relationship is made clear to the judge by this “decent” lawyer. If he is the power source, both earningwise and as the household head, then he should darned well provide for her since he cherry picked her when she could have been getting on with her personal development. IOW, this decent lawyer will point out that hubby was running the show, so he should darned well carry the can for taking advantage of her insecurity and lack of power leaving her vulnerable to his whims and irresponsible self-indulgence.

Of course, the judge will have to be sympathetic. If he surmises that she got exactly what she wanted out of their relationship, for the most part, then she may be on her own.

I wish I could claim to be tough with the daughter who stays with us regularly, but I can’t. She is struggling with some hard luck, and we don’t feel being hard on her makes a great deal of sense right now. Maybe in a year we can begin to lean on her to encourage her to get on with being independent, but now is not the right time. She needs a breather.

11

Thanks for the kind words!

The husband “owns” a very nice house, a fancy bay house that he built to sell, and he rents a bay house that they use weekly. On the surface, there is a lot of assets. In reality, there is little or none. His house has only $50k equity (which would be eaten up by sales costs if he could sell it for what he paid for it). The fancy bay house is too fancy for the area, and he will very likely lose money on it if someone does buy it (it is for sale). The rent house at the bay is just that, a house he pays rent on.

His fancy vehicle and boat are both mortgaged to the hilt. As he has always done commercial real estate, he has never paid in social security or medicare. Last week, he pulled out all his life savings of $100k (in a 401k) and paid the early withdrawal penalty and is living on that now. Oh, the IRS is after him for $35k back taxes, and he has “borrowed” to the max from his siblings and friends. Ooops, almost forgot… several years ago he did time for falsifying real estate loans, and declared bankruptcy at least once.

His net worth is very likely “negative”. In fact, step daughter is probably worth a lot more since her fancy Lexus which she brought into the marriage is paid for. He has tried his best to get a loan on that, but so far she has not let that happen.

I know the above sounds unbelieveable, but I assure you there is no exxageration in it whatsoever. I cannot believe that an “educated” and frankly likeable person could get himself into such a jam, but he has certainly done so.

Hey, sorry to dump a personal situation on the forum, but my original intent was to just allow that a family situation can really affect one’s MR activities, etc.

Mobilman44

12

In 1859 Abraham Lincoln, not yet President, addressed the Wisconsin Agricultural Society here in Milwaukee: “It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence, to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him the words: “And this, too, shall pass away.” How much it expresses! How chastening in the hour of pride! How consoling in the depths of affliction!”

Dave Nelson

13

Wow…how true the statement that everything that glitters isn’t gold. When I left home, my dad, in no uncertain terms, let me know that was it for my stay there. I could come to visit, but it was time for me to make my way in the world…however hard at times it may be. I can understand a daughter though, but different times call for different measures I assume. As you are willing to rebuilt your layout, that should make it easier to deal with. Do you have a club in the area that you can run while you work things out with the family and rebuild the layout?

14

I know from personal experience that it is a bad idea, no matter the circumstances, to move back in with your family once you have been out on your own.

Here is just a suggestion. Talk with your step-daughter and ask her what would she do if you and your wife weren’t there to take her back in. Once the reality of that sinks in, work with her to find a way for her to leave the bum, but still remain (or perhaps become for the first time) independent.

Oh, yeah, and as for your layout, run a train around it one last time and then break out the Saws-All! Its never too early to start over![;)]

-George