What’s the one about 2 tickets to Pittsburgh? I never heard that one.
Do you know what U.P. stands for? Usually Parked!
And here’s one that one of our forum members has in his sig, though I forgot which one…
“What a hell of a way to run a railroad line!! Yes we are on time but this is yesterdays train”
Try a Google search of “2 tickets to Pittsburgh”. I couldn’t get a completed download in a reasonable time, but it seems that this would be a valid hint: The perfume counter salesgirl scene in “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” movie, with Chevy Chase as Clark Griswold.
Its about changes. Like, change “t” to “p” and “p” to “t” when in a totally flusterd state of being. Another word that comes to mind is “pulchtratude” which is not metalurgical in nature but is the catylist for change in this instance.
That reminds me of the time I went with a friend to the race track, and his dog lost so badly that he remarked it was so far behind it probably won the next race.
Yes, I owned that racing dog. And several like him.
“What a hell of a way to run a railroad line!! Yes we are on time but this is yesterdays train”
And the trainmaster asks, “What? Didn’t you lose your schedule? Are you running extra? Let me see your orders!” \
Johnny
He’s “route rock”, whose latest post “Re: IC&E/DM&E Union representation” on 12-30-2008 at 3:50 AM has that signature, at:
http://cs.trains.com/trccs/forums/t/144428.aspx
These are some really, really, really lame railroad jokes that I have found over time, and remembered. I definitely deserve some eggs, tomatoes or otherwise rotten fruit and vegetables to the face after telling these killers.
Why is the railroad mad?
Because people keep crossing it!
Why don’t elephants like riding trains?
They have to put their trunks in the baggage car!
How do you know a train’s been through?
It left it’s tracks behind!
Why can’t the train sit down?
It has a tender behind (or a red caboose)!
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted?
He is not a conductor!
What is the difference between a school teacher and steam engine?
Teacher says “Spit out the gum” and steamer says “chew, chew, chew”
What is a lawyer’s favorite railroad?
Soo Line
Which railroad is a scam?
Conrail
What did CSX-NS share?
A Conrail split.
Some railroad initials (profane language has been censored):
BNSF - Big Nothing So Far, Been Nothing Since Fe, Buy Norfolk Southern Fast, Bigger Name, Still F**d
UP - Usually Pathetic, Utterly Pathetic, Ugly Paint, UnProfessional
NS - No (Paint) Scheme, Nothing Special, Not Sane, Not Safe
CSX - Chicken S**t Xpress, Chemical Spill Xperts, Conrail Still Xperimenting, Chessie’s Southern Xtension, Crash Spill & Xplode, Cut Scrap and hears the scissors to do it with
W&LE - Walk & Leave Early, Weak & Lousy Engines, We Lie to Everyone, We Lease Everything
TH&B - Tired Hungry & Broke, Thump, Hump & Bump
ATSF - Ate Tamales & Spat Fire, All Tramps Stay Free, Always Trying Still F**d
DRGW - Dirty & Rapidly Getting Worse
SPSF - Shouldn’t Paint So Fast
KCS - Keep Cutting Salaries
B&O - Beans & Oats, Bumpy & Obsolete, Best & Only
CN - Crash National, Currently Negotiating
CP - Clumbsy Pathetic, Crappy Paint
Acela - All Customers Expect Late Arri
A gentleman is asleep alone in the upper birth as the train pulls out of an intermediate station.
Suddenly his room door flys open. An angry, attractive woman yells at him, “This room was supposed to be private!”
He replies sleepily, “It is and it’s mine.”
The conductor informs her in the passageway that the train is completely full and she was ticketed incorrectly. There are no more private rooms or beds available.
Hearing this, the gentleman takes pity and tells her she is welcome to the unused lower birth. Politely, he turns his back so she can change into her pajamas.
As she is getting into bed, he says, “It’s a bit chilly in here. May I trouble you to hand me one of those extra blankets there on the shelf?”
She replies, “For tonight, why don’t we just pretend we are married.”
Suddenly intrigued at his turn of fortune, he asks, “Are you thinking what I am thinking?”
She responds, “Probably not; I was thinking you could get your own damn blanket.”
He says, “Oh; well since we’re pretending to be married…(he broke wind loudly)” and fell back asleep.