Saturday’s Silly Season . . . . . . . [:p]
Job interviews [8D]
Very nice!!! Ever tried calling someone @ UP’s Customer Service Center?? Not alot of “people persons” there!!! Especially now that Omaha looms in their near future. Won’t even mention UP Dispatchers–did I say that out loud??
This is a TRUE story only the names have been changed to protect the stupid people.
My first grade crossing accident involved a woman in a lexus who drove around 5 cars to beat the train. We both made it there at the same time ( I won). Luckly I was in a 10mph speed restriction and hit the passengers side of the car so nobody was hurt.
The police show up and ask me what happended, I tell them and pointed to the women during the explation. She sees me point and RUNS over and starts yelling at me telling the officer how I pulled out in front of her causing the accident and I should be taken in for DWI or something. The cop looks at her and says “mam you have to be the dumbist person I have ever meet”. I lost it, i had to go back on the loco and sit down because i did not want anyone to see my crying from laughter. He gave her the riot act for another 45 minutes before my road formen finally asked him if we could move the car and stop delaying the train. I called my father that night and he didnt believe me. As a wise man once said “Heres your sign”.
This would be more amusing if it wasn’t true:
OBITUARY
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of Common Sense
who has been with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn’t always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;
teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired
for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Give condoms to boys at school as boys will be boys.
Finally, Common sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment
than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still know h
“AMEN” Larry
Nobody gave a correrct (or precise!) answer to my question on the preceding page (about the map), so you’ll all have to suffer through…
THE YOOPER CREATION STORY
In da beginnin’ dere was nuttin’.
Den on da first day God created da U.P.
On da second day He created da partridge, da deer, da bear, da fish, and da ducks.
On da third day He said, “Let dere be Yoopers to roam da U.P.”
On da fourth day He created da udder world down below.
On da fifth day He said “Let there be trolls to live in da world down below.”
On the sixth day He created “Da Bridge” so the trolls would have a way to get to Heaven.
God saw it was good.
On da seventh day He went huntin’!
Sunday Funnies . . . . . . . [:)]
The True Story Of Easter
Amen, He is arisen TODAY!
What I want to know is who the hell is letting first graders run trains?!
[:-^]
[:0][}:)][:D][:p]
AMEN to that, Nora[:D][:D]
Wonder if those first graders could teach some lessons to some on the forum[?][:0][:p]
[quote]
QUOTE: Originally posted by tree68
This would be more amusing if it wasn’t true:
OBITUARY
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of Common Sense
who has been with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn’t always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;
teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired
for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Give condoms to boys at school as boys will be boys.
Finally, Common sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment
than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner. Not many attended his fun
My Girlfriend came up to me yesturday, and wanted to know who this “general failure” was and why he was readiong our hard drive.
GET IT??
some women…[:-^][:-^][:-^]
Monday Madness . . . . . . . [:)]
(Sorry folks, I am running a little late this morning [:(] )
Some good lessons for life. [;)]
http://refer.flowgo.com/refer/redir_ng.cfm?p=111765&d=04-05-04&id=ibobyndgosonxrzySifvDoba
True enough, still, never hurts to honor the dead…
Two For Tuesday . . . . . . . [:)] [:)]
I have seen this one before, but I don’t remember if I posted it before [}:)] [;)] . <No I am not going back and looking at every post to see if I have posted it before, so there. [;)] >
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, “Good morning, Alex.”
“Good morning, Pastor,” replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
“Pastor, what is this?”
“Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex’s voice was barely audible, trembling with fear, when he asked, “Which service, the 8 or the 11?”
This one has been around before also. The names change but its still funny. And once again I can’t remember if I posted it here or not. <ditto on previous thoughts [}:)] [;)] >
LETTER FROM A FARM KID WHO RECENTLY JOINED THE SERVICE
Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer
the Marine Corps beats working for old man Hall by a mile.
Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till
nearly 6a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your
cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash
to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water.
That’s telling him!!
Here’s one for cat owners…excerpts from two diaries…
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG’S DAILY DIARY
8:00 a.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 a.m.Oh, boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 a.m.Oh, boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite!
11:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
Noon - Oh, boy! The beach! My favorite!
1:30 p.m.Oh, boy! A bath! My favorite!
4:00 p.m.Oh, boy! To the back yard! My favorite!
5:00 p.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
6:00 p.m.Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 p.m.Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite!
8:30 p.m Oh, boy! Sleeping in master’s bed! My favorite!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT’S DAILY DIARY:
Day 183 of My Captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am
forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the
hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional
piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my
captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost
succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to
disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself
to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt
to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear
into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good
little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in
solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the
noise and smell the food. More important
I LOVE THESE KEEP EM COMING!!! [:D][:-,][tup][yeah][wow][}:)][:O][:)][:P][;)][bow][bow][bow][^][:D][8D][8D][swg]
Warning to all men!
A moral all men should pay attention to …
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said
to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes.”
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. That whatever you wish
for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!”
The woman said, “That would be okay,” and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, “You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to.” The woman replied, “That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me.”
So, KAZAM - she’s the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he
will be ten times richer than you.” The woman said, “That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine.”
So, KAZAM she’s the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish,
and she answered,
…wait for it…
“I’d like a mild heart attack.”
[(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D]
Kozzie
OUCH!