Darn it Jim, here I was hoping to see a picture of Kevin in the polka dotted bikini!!
Pleeeease, I just ate dinner…
Ed
go dinner!
hey… i just realized i past 200 posts… which at the rate i post, that was like two weeks ago problalby… see how much i pay attention
Monday Madness . . . . . . . [:p] [:p] [:p]
This is a good story. Take it however you want to see it. You can go the distance or get off at any place in between. [:)]
I Made A 41
Perhaps the only test score that I remember is the 41.
I was in high school. The class was taught by one of the two
teachers that impacted me most, Mr. Bales. The other teacher
was Mrs. Drew from the seventh grade. It’s amazing how I can
remember from over 30 years ago my two most impacting teachers.
The eighth grade. It was a time when I, like most, didn’t know
what I was to be in life. The drama of that time of youth was
simply get through school and make the long walk home.
There are some things that will still be like the eighth grade
when you get to be eighty.
The test was the final for the class. I remember anxiously
waiting as Mr. Bales passed out test after test. It was a
rather difficult test. I didn’t know how well I had done but I
knew there were things on it that I didn’t know.
The air whooshed around the pages as it made a gentle sound
plopping down. It was a rhythm as each student received their
test - plop, plop, plop.
I heard groan after groan that accompanied the plops.
I could tell by the groans that the grades weren’t looking good.
Mr. Bales dropped the stapled pages on my desk.
There in big red numbers, circled to draw attention,
was my grade.
41
Groan!!!
I moved my paper where it wasn’t in plain view, a 41 is not
something that you wanted your classmates to see.
After the final plop, Mr. Bales stood behind the worn desk that
had stood guard over countless students before me. He addressed
the none too jubilant class.
"The grades were not very good, none of you passed
Two For Tuesday . . . . . . . [:)] [:)]
Tonight I am tired so just read the following joke twice and laugh twice. [:D] [;)] [}:)]
Have you heard about the brown nosed duck?
He could fly just as fast as the other ducks but
couldn’t stop as fast.
(Zardoz, you might have to explain this one to “you know who” lol. [;)] [}:)] [:D] )
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.”
The other says, “Are you sure?”
The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. A sandwich walks intoa bar. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’”
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
“It’s Not Unusual.”
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
“I don’t believe you,” said Dolly.
“It’s true, no bull!” exclaimed Daisy.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”
“No, because he’s really heavy.”
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
I went to the butcher’s the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
I went to a seafood disco last wee
2004 Version of You Might Be a Redneck if…
Your standard of living improves when you go camping.
Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.
You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.
You have a relative living in your garage.
Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.
There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.
You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.
None of the tires on your van are the same size.
You hold the hood of your car with your head while you work on it.
Your idea of getting lucky is passing the emissions test.
Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade.
Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.
Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet.
You’ve slow danced in the Waffle House.
Starting your car involves popping the hood.
Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.
You whistle at women in church.
You actually wear shoes your dog brought home.
You’ve been in a fistfight at a yard sale.
You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the backseat.
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions." How old are you?" “I’m four and a half!” You’re never thirty-six and a half. You’re four and a half, going on five!
That’s the key.
You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
“How old are you?” “I’m gonna be 16!” You could be 13, but hey, you’re gonna be 16!
And then the greatest day of your life… you become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony… YOU BECOME 21… YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now, you’re just a sour-dumpling. What’s wrong? What’s changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40.
Whoa! Put on the brakes, it’s all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50… and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn’t think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You’ve built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it’s a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.
And it doesn’t end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; “I was JUST 92.”
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. “I’m 100 and a half!”
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
Outside a small Macedonian village, close to the border between Greece and strife-torn Yugoslavia, a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of a site of significant historic developments. The convent once served as a base for the army of Attila the Hun. In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site.
The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large gathering of Greek legal writs at the site. It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system and had the writs and other documents brought to the temple.
When the Greek church took over the site in the 15th Century and the convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost. Today, there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base.
And that’s how it ends:
No Huns, no writs, no Eros, and nun left on base.
Redneck medical sayings…
Artery…The study of paintings
Benign…What you be after you be eight
Bacteria…Back door to cafeteria
Barium…What doctors do when patients die
Cesarean Section…A neighborhood in Rome
Catscan…Searching for Kitty
Cauterize…Made eye contact with her
Colic…A sheep dog
Coma…A punctuation mark
D&C…Where Washington is
Dilate…To live long
Enema…Not a friend
Fester…Quicker than someone else
Fibula…A small lie
G.I.Series…World Series of military baseball
Hangnail…What you hang your coat on
Impotent…Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain…Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff…A Doctor’s cane
Morbid…A higher offer than I bid
Nitrates…Cheaper than day rates
Node…I knew it
Outpatient…A person who has fainted
Pap Smear…A fatherhood test
Pelvis…Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative…A letter carrier
Recovery Room…Place to do upholstery
Rectum…Darn near killed him
Secretion…Hiding something
Seizure…Roman emperor
Tablet…A small table
Terminal Illness…Getting sick at the airport
Tumor…More than one
Urine…Opposite of you’re out
Varicose…Near by
A linguistics professor was expounding upon the differences in positives and negatives in different languages. According to this professor:
1.) In the English language, a double negative makes something a positive.
2.) In Russian and some related languages, double negative remains a negative.
3.) And the professor asserted there is no language, however, in which a double positive makes a negative.
When he made this last statement someone in the back of the room piped up “Yeah, right.”
Baby Boomer Hit Songs Rewritten & Retitled to Reflect Current Feelings
Paul Simon — “Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver”
Carly Simon — “You’re So Varicose Vein”
The Bee Gees — “How Can You Mend a Broken Hip”
Roberta Flack — “The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face”
Johnny Nash — “I Can’t See Clearly Now”
The Temptations — “Papa Got a Kidney Stone”
Nancy Sinatra — “These Boots Give Me Arthritis”
ABBA — “Denture Queen”
Leo Sayer — “You Make Me Feel Like Napping”
Commodores — “Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom”
Procol Harem — “A Whiter Shade of Hair”
The Beatles — “I Get By with a Little Help From Depends”
Steely Dan — “Rikki Don’t Lose Your Car Keys”
Herman’s Hermits — “Mrs. Brown You’ve Got a Lovely Walker”
The Rolling Stones — “You Can’t Always Pee When You Want”
Credence Clearwater Revival — “Bad Prune Rising”
Marvin Gaye — “I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts”
The Who — “Talkin’ 'Bout My Medication”
The Troggs — “Bald Thing”
Really Bad Country Song Titles
→
“I Gave Her My Heart and a Diamond, and She Clubbed Me With a Spade”
“How Did You Get so Ugly Overnight?”
“Mama Get the Hammer, There’s a Fly on Papa’s Head”
“I’d Rather Pass a Kidney Stone than Another Night With You”
"I Would’ve Wrote You a Letter, But I Couldn’t Spell “Yuck!”
“My Phone Ain’t Been Ringin’ So I Guess It Wasn’t You”
“They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can’t Stop My Face From Breakin’ Out”
For the complete list, see http://www.downstream.sk.ca/country.htm
Subject: Booze
Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman’s personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ***.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won’t have to approach her. If she’s interested, she’ll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is…this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get
totally drunk… and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!
Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.
THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----
The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He’s poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He
ZARDOZ
QUIT PLEASE?!
My wife is "BEATING THE HECK"out of me!
For some reason I resamble that remark!
OH!
Did you hear about the mehcanic who worked on carburetor
He went on a low carb diet!
BOOOOOOOOO !!!
[xx(][%-)][D)][:-,][X-)]
Eggs and tomatoes available please send check or money order to…
stayin safe(duck matt)
Joe
An electrician comes home late from work,actually early AM,and a bit tipsy.His wife asks,“wire you insulate”?Through bloodshot eyes he replies,“quishurbichen,I’m ohm ain’t I”?
I have never posted on this thread in all the time it has been here. I have read through quite a few and I can say they are good.
Brian (KY)
In the hospital
Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this:
A woman called a local hospital. “Hello. Could you connect me to
the person who gives information about patients? I’d like to find out
if a patient is getting better, doing as expected or getting worse.”
The voice on the other end said, “What is the patient’s name and
room number?”
“Sarah Finkel, room 302.”
“I’ll connect you with the nursing station.”
“3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?”
“I’d like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302.”
“Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing
very well. In fact, she’s had two full meals, her blood pressure is
fine, to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if
she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home
Tuesday at noon.”
The woman said, “What a relief! Oh, that’s fantastic… that’s
wonderful news!”
The nurse said, “From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close
family member or a very close friend!”
“Neither! I’m Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me crap.”